Monday, January 10, 2011

LESBIAN, yes, in capital letters

Heyo peeps! I'm so excited because I just found out that I have readers all over the world, Mexico, US, Canada, South Korea, Germany, UK, Denmark, France, and India.. I can't believe it! I truly believed that no one would read my crap haha Im just glad :D So I wanna say THANKS to my readers, I hope I don't bore you EVER, and just keep entertaining you with my sad, little, hilarious life! Yes, I'm God's personal joke, but I do enjoy it actually.. kaaay 'nough with the drama already! 

Okaay, first of all I wanna share something very intimate and special with you guys just in case you haven't noticed.. Im a lesbian. I love being a lesbian, I mean, I love women.. the hair, the eyes, the scent, the lips, the tongue, the arms, legs, belly, neeeckkkkk, cheeks, hands, fingers, brows, feet, boobs (just a fun fact, to write down all these things I love about women, I had to think about the woman I'm in love with). And that's just the physical part! Their laugh drives me nuts! The way they get excited, the way they smile, the way they hold your hand... gooosh, Ok so basically, I love every little detail about a woman! The thing is that I'm a lesbian lesbian.. like.. when I fall in love, I lose my head so I become this intense 'love me hard, love me til I die, marry me!' girl.. well not that hard, but yeah kind of. The trouble is that I'm afraid of scaring girls away because of my intensity. I just don't know how to control it because, besides the fact that I'm clingy and cheesy and needy, I'm very honest, and every little thing i feel I say it, I don't know how to keep my mouth shut!! So that makes me VERY vulnerable and uninteresting to some I guess..Exhibit A: the fact that I pointed out that I had to think about the woman I'm in love with to describe every little thing I like about women.. I mean, COME ON! Why can't I think about Jolie, or my wifey Hayley Williams, or Kate Beckinsale! Oh Lord, help me!

On the other hand when I dont want someone anymore I push them away in the most selfish ways.. The girl that I like at the moment pointed out something very interesting that I've never thought about me.. I don't do shades of gray, to me it works like this: I love you, I don't love you, I'm black and white.. and I guess that's why I'm so intense and uncontrollable at times, when I feel loved I love back, when I feel neglected I feel a little sad, when I feel rejected I reject, when I feel I'm not wanted there I disappear.. The only thing I ask is: DON'T MESS WITH MY HEAD! 'cause really, that's the most vulnerable part of me, I get confused so easily and I instantly start wondering, doubting, and shit.. I think, seriously, that my brain is connected to my heart or something.. and I can't unplug the freakin' chord! 

I've had 2 girlfriends, no boyfriends ever, and I've dated like 5 girls in my whole life -- I can explain, I swear! I found out about my sexuality at age 20, had a girlfriend for 10 months, broke up, a month later I'm already with another woman in a relationship for 4 months and that leaves me 9 months 'til the end of the year 2010.. so yes, 3 girls this year plus the one that I'm seeing right now ANYWHO - and regularly they were the intense ones.. well, with my last ex, we both shared the intensity.. we had a beautiful relationship but at the end she just came on to me too strong, giving up things for me and that just freaked me out, I felt too much weight on my shoulders,, and now I'm the intense one with this girl and I don't know how to control it, it sucks big time! And I'm not asking for advice, I know exactly what to do, the thing is I can't 'cause.. well with this girl I can't keep any secrets, its like word vomit, although I'm like 'DONT SAY IT DONT SAY IT!' I end up saying it, I can't ignore her when we're both on gchat, like all my friends tell me to wait for her to say hi, but I just think its silly and I cannot control clicking on her name and type 'heyo!', I can not control myself whenever I wanna text her... I'm just pathetic, I mean I do like who I am, very much, but I'd love to be more interesting ya know? oh well.. its 6.45am now, I can't sleep and I have school in 3 hours 15 minutes.. YAY.. later peeps! :D love you all

Oh just one more thing! Don't forget to --



Thats it! I'm outta here.
xoxo,
Larkin

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